What? Dejavu or just repeating history

I know that forgetfulness is common among normal people but it is really bad with people with DID. I get so frustrated when family members tell me that I've told them things already or that they have told me things and I don't remember. A lot of it is due to all the switching that takes place. An alter can talk about something and then I go to talk about the same thing but everyone has heard it already. Another factor is all the medication I take. My psych meds are not so bad but the incontinence medicine I take plays with my head. I have very vivid dreams since I started it and my husband has noticed I forget simple things very quickly. I have to say, though, that most of my asking to repeat something or forgetting something is because of all the inner distraction that goes on every day of my life. It is getting better co-communicating but it is always like there is furniture being moved around in my head. I can't hear people! And with the appearance of new alters it makes things more chaotic and it's a big deal if I remember to brush my teeth in the morning. All I as of people who know me is to please be patient with me. Don't get upset or frustrated because I forgot or I have already told you this story before. I know it is frustrating for you but put yourself in my world for just one minute if you can and try to imagine what I go through. I apologize to anyone with whom I bore with my same old same old stories. It may be the first time I have ever told you. I don't know what others inside have said before me.

An Epiphany of Sorts

I forgot to mention this on my last blog and I think it is really important to share. My Therapist told me that out of all my family members I am the healthiest one of all them mentally. No one has ever said that to me. I just figured because I have DID I am unstable mentally. That is very untrue. We do not do sick things to children or animals. We don't abuse anyone emotionally or physically. We are facing our inner challenges and parts and are healing and are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. They are the ones who live in sickness mentally. They live in lies and denial. I live in truth and acceptance.I have the ultimate desire for contentment and happiness and I am almost there. I have my days of sadness but the good days are coming more and more to me. As I get to know each part of me and heal them my physical health will even begin to improve. It's hard to believe as I am still sick a lot but in the past and growing up I was chronically ill all of the time with some kind of ailment. Was in the hospital more than any other kid that I knew from being sick and my medical records resembled a tome. Now my records are magazine thin. Yes, I am getting there every day so to anyone who is reading this and is DID please don't lose hope. It can be a long drawn out battle for years but it does get better! Hang on to HOPE and make it your mantra!

We now have a Star in our system

At therapy today I had intentions of talking about the labyrinth and ended up having a new alter emerge. Totally different direction than I expected. My T told me that this alter is very young, perhaps 2 or 3, and was lost underneath the table at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She would hide under the table and hear the dice rolling on the table from the Yahtzee game the adults were playing and there was a lot of drinking going on. While under the table this alter would eat dog food and lap water out of the dog bowl. If the other dogs would come near the bowls she would growl at them. My T asked what her name was and she said "Retard" and m T told her that was not a nice name to have and maybe she could come up with a nicer one. Our T gave the alter a wand with water, sand and stars in it and it would shift when she turned it upside down. She liked he stars floating in the water and asked if her name could be Star. So now we have a Star in the system  This is now 27 insiders and Seraphim has heard chattering in the labyrinth so there are more waiting to emerge. This Therapist is so awesome! She is so good with the littles and can sense when there are new ones near the surface. I don't know whether or not to be happy, sad, frustrated or what. Just when I think I know everyone I get hit with a surprise alter. But I suppose it is a good sign that they are all emerging because then that means I am healing and dealing with parts of me that need to be healed.

Soooo, it's sink or swim?

I figured out in therapy why I hate water on my face and the sound of splashing. I was thrown into the water many times by the father and told "sink or swim." I would panic and my arms would start splashing all over the water and swallowing lake water.  He thought it was funny but I thought for sure I would drown. My T told me that so many of her DID clients have a fear of water on the face. I find it interesting that so many of us have so much in common.

On another note, we had a great time at Disney World last week! Everyone got their time out and had their own experiences. Ginger and I have gotten along so much better and she limited her drinking while there and I appreciated that. My T said she is starting to respect me more because I'm not criticizing her or nagging her about so much. She doesn't rebel when she feels appreciated and her desire to drink a lot goes down :)

On Monday I met Holly for the first time. I was the last to meet her and I am glad she finally felt she could trust me. I felt a tug on my leg and looked down and there she was. She is very sweet but cautious. She is starting to call Bob "Mister Daddy Bob" instead of just Mister and I hope soon she will shorten it to "Daddy Bob." It just takes time for them to trust adults and the world in general. So much of her trust was broken and twisted that it's totally understandable to me why she is the way she is. Why they all are the way they are. They would be going along in life and slam TRAUMA then go along again and slam TRAUMA continually. It's a wonder why they are so weary of people they don't know. It's weird but I tend to trust quickly but they are slower. Thank goodness I have others inside to reel me back in when I start to trust the wrong people. It wasn't always that way. We've all worked very hard on being a healthy system.

Kudo's to me.......Ginger

I feel so validated and happy from my therapy appointment. I told my therapist how I fought back after 3 attempted rapes and she told me that I was more than a sexual part of Sherry. she said I was a protector part and I saved everyone inside by fighting back, I had a hard time accepting the thanks she had everyone tell me but I can't lie....it felt nice to be appreciated. At the times of the attempts I just had the attitude that I won't put up with this shit any longer and I am the one in control during sex. Not them. If they try to switch that up I get fierce. I decide who I want to have sex with and when and where et cetera et cetera. Not them! So, by me being this way I have done something right for a change! Like my T said, I have made really bad decisions and choices along the way but for the most part I've done a great job keeping everyone safe. YAY! Kudo's to me and it feels so good :)

I was doing ummmm what?

I hate when I am in a middle of a task and I forget what I am doing. I get so distracted my the noise in my head! My daughter-in-law was here today and I kept forgetting things I wanted to say or do when she was here. I worry that she is not going to want me to watch the grand kids because of my disorder. This is why I can't work. I make so many mistakes and am so forgetful. My family is forever telling me "We know. You've told us this already." That may be but it wasn't;'t me doing the telling. I miss out on the opportunity to tell them because someone else inside has shared it already. Soooooo frustrating. I know "Norms" have a problem with forgetfulness as they get older but mine is different. Plus I take medicines that cause memory problems. The latest pill I take called Detrol cause vivid dreams and forgetfulness. I just want to know what I am doing at all times and who said what and when. Here is a joke of what my life is like:

Ok, so who's out first?
No Who was out yesterday.
Who?
Yes, Who.
Ok, I'm asking you who was out and you're telling me Who?
Yes, Who.
Well who are you?
I'm not Who, I'm Nobody.
Nobody?
Nobody.
But you can't be nobody - you have to be somebody.
No, Somebody's generally angry.
Who is angry?
No, Who is happy.
Angry is also angry.
Of course angry is angry, but you're definitely somebody.
No, I'm Nobody.
Ok, let me see if I have this.... you're no one..
No, I'm Nobody.... No One was out this morning.
No one was out?
Yeah, No one.
Well if no one was out, who was I talking to?
No One.
Nobody?
No - No One.
Something's wrong here....
No, Something has been sleeping for a while.
Who has been sleeping?
No, Something has been sleeping. Who was out yesterday.
But something has to be someone, doesn't he?
No, Someone is a he, Something is a she.
Huh?
Huh is asexual.
Huh?
Yeah, Huh.
Excuse me, I'm going to commit suicide.
You can't - that's Suicide's job. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! 

Pinching and Biting Birdie

At therapy today Mary and my T discussed why they thought Birdie bites and pinches people all the time. Well, for one Birdie is continually putting a block in her mouth so her jaws hurt and when the block is removed she feels like biting because the pain in her jaws is tremendous  Mary is supposed to help her massage her jaws if she puts a block in her mouth to show her how much better it could feel. We also found out why birdie likes to pinch. The Dad would pinch her and if she cried he would slap her and tell her to stop crying because it was funny. So now when birdie pinches she always laughs when she does it. Our brain is rewired all wrong. It now makes sense to me why I laugh at inappropriate things and events. Birdie is afraid to cry and likes to say "I's trickin" and then pinch whomever and doesn't understand why they respond in a negative way. It makes her mad! The T told her today when she gets mad she can keep her thumb in her mouth and stomp her feet. It's a safe way to release the anger. Birdie was a little worried when told she could do this as she might get a spanking. Our T assured her this would not happen so she agreed to try it. I can't wait until the day I meet Birdie and Punkin'head. I want to have coconsiousness with them but our T says it is a hard task because of the language barrier. But we will get there!