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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Blood results denied

Had blood work drawn a week ago and the Doctor says I have to come in for the results. She will not tell me what's wrong over the phone. I have never had this happen before. They always tell me over the phone. I am. obviously, freaking out now. My daughter is going to go with me to my appointment next week (the soonest they could get me in!) and be my support person. If you are reading this and are a praying person could you send some prayers my way? Just feeling nervous. Thanks!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Tiny update!

It's been several weeks since I last post. Things are going so well for me and I haven't had much to talk about, really. I have changed my diet to Paleo and gluten free because of my Celiac Disease and I feel like a new person. I have so much energy and I just feel good mentally. I've lost 16 pounds as of today! Lots more to go! Everyone inside is cooperating among each other so well and we are dealing with past issues as they occur. Not everything is rainbows and lollipops but it sure is getting better day by day. I still do not have communication with Birdie and Punkin'head but my therapist and I are working towards that. Birdie did come out in therapy last week and talked about the block she originally stuck in her mouth. I don't know all that was said but my therapist told me. I look forward to getting to know them. My husband adores Birdie (and all the alters) and loves playing with her. I want to do the same, hopefully soon! I hope everyone is well and I will try to keep up this blog better!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

An AHA moment yesterday

I saw my T yesterday and was chatting about wanting to learn math and how my husband was going to teach us basic math skills and suddenly I became very emotional. I tried apologizing for it and my T told me to allow myself to cry if I needed to and so on...Well, I started to cry and next thing I know I'm gone. A new alter who had no name and 7 years old came out. She was in hysterics. She was recalling how she couldn't understand math and how the parents would beat her and ridicule her for being so "Stupid, dumb, ignorant" and so forth. She was locked in a closet and was not allowed to come out until she had her multiplication tables memorized. No eating, drinking or anything until then. She could not do it and was kicked and hit and yelled at. Numbers began to paralyze her. Not only were the parents cruel about math but the teacher at school would be just as bad. She would get called up to the chalkboard and told to solve problems on the board and she would get it wrong so the teacher would pull her hair and tell her how much of a dummy she was....in front of all the class. Total humiliation and loss of self worth. When I came back to the T she told me about all of this and it makes so much sense to me now. I have always been so afraid of Math and playing cards because they have numbers on them. Anytime someone talks about math with me or numbers of any kind my mind wanders off. I cannot focus as a huge wall comes up. The alter who came out asked to be called Josie (after Josie and the Pussycats cartoon) and she is very timid and emotionally upset. Why is it every aspect of  my childhood was distorted and ruined for me? Simple things like games, food, math and so on became horrible experiences for me. It was bad enough my innocence was ripped away from me sexually and physically but I was also emotionally damaged. It angers me so much! I am thankful I had the ability to separate myself from situations but it also saddens me to see these inner children suffering because I couldn't handle it. The upside to all of this is my life is beginning to make sense and have clarity. I can't let myself get to low because I've worked to hard to get where I am. I need to focus on the positives of these alters that come out.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Reflection on myself

I am not Catholic but I am a Christian. Today is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. I don't participate in the 40 days of giving something up. I am, however, reflecting on this day and always on giving up bad/negative things in my life. This morning I have been thinking about what things need to change in my life to better myself. I came up with a few ideas:

1. Spend less time on the computer/Facebook- I need to find other things I enjoy that don't revolve around the computer. I want to get back into painting and creating art. I also want to read more!

2. Wake up every morning and cook breakfast- I feel better on the days I do this. It is hard, sometimes, to get up and start my day. I want to crawl into bed and sleep but so many days have been wasted. I only live once and I need to take advantage of every moment I'm alive!

3. Stay on top of housework- I need to dedicated at least 1 hour a day focused on my house and the things that need to be done. I will not let myself be overwhelmed and will take it day by day. If I can get caught up then I can maintain the house.

4. Compliment/pay it forward to someone everyday- Whether it is a stranger or a loved one, I want to brighten someone else's day. It brings me joy to do this for people. I do not expect anything in return. (Maybe a smile)

5. Lastly, be patient with myself- I tend to get so upset and negative towards myself and my insiders. I need to take some deep breaths and remind myself that I am human and I make mistakes. With every negative comment I direct towards myself I need to follow it up and correct it with a positive comment. I am too hard on myself. I need to show love and respect to myself if I want to receive or give it to others.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

13 is Sky's lucky number!


Sky's homework for the week was to decorate the number 13. Our therapist is trying to teach all of us that numbers don't have to be scary. They were made scary for us as a child but now it doesn't have to be scary anymore. Sky was asked to make his favorite number into something cool and unique. This is what he came up with using Gel Pens. He is only 7 but I think he has great artistic ability :)

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Sky

A new alter named Sky came out last week. He is a 7 year old little boy who carries some terrible memories. I know they revolve around fishing trips he took with the Father. A lot of sexual stuff happened on those trips and lots of fear. He mentioned to our T that he was held upside down over an outhouse hole and was told he would be put in that hole if he ever talked about what happened on those trips.  He was terrified and fought with all he had not to fall in the hole. He talked about the smell, the darkness and his disdain for fish. It makes sense to me now why I don't like to eat fish or the smell of fish. I thought I just din't like the taste but it appears it goes much deeper than that. It angers me to realize how evil our Father could be. How could anyone terrorize a child like that? I know the Father was abused, as well, because of the history with his own Father. His Father, our Grandpa, spent several time in prison for molesting children. The generational sin goes way back with this family. I hope I can learn more about Sky and be able to process what things were done to us. Sky said he chose his name because when the abuse would be happening he would stare at the clouds in the sky and wish he was up there too. Very sad. :(

Thursday, February 20, 2014

I'm not in a prison...anymore

Two things were said to me today that pushed me to write another blog post. The first was a comment about how sad someone was for me and the second was a comment that "abusers should serve a life sentence because the victims certainly do."

Addressing the first comment: Please do not feel sad for me. My life happened the way it was supposed to happen. I am who I am because of it and I am damn proud of who I turned out to be. I can sit and dwell on the past or I can move forward and better myself and help others who hurt. I choose the latter. I have good days and bad but even if I could go back in time and change what happened to me, I wouldn't. The thing of it is the people who hurt me thought they were breaking me but in reality they made me a strong, courageous and compassionate woman! I am a fighter and I know what comes around goes around whether it happens in this life or after, it is taken care of..this I am 100% certain of.

The second comment bothers me. Yes, I think abusers should be punished but as far as being a "victim" and having a "life sentence"...NO! I will not refer to myself as a victim any longer because I know in my heart of hearts I am a true survivor! I don't have to live with a life sentence of misery and upset. I choose to live FREE and break that bondage of guilt, shame, sadness and most importantly...being powerless! I have taken my life back and I am no longer a prisoner to any of this. You can choose to be in that prison or be you can choose to break out of it! You DO have a choice. You decide where you want to be. In the past we were powerless to what happened to us. Today, we have power to decide what makes us feel good and what makes us feel bad! I refuse to give any more POWER to my abusers over ME! I took back my life and made it mine!

I hope that all the people who are hurting and read this can understand and do the same in their life. I have worked on myself for 25+ years very seriously.It doesn't happen overnight to get to where I am but I don't want anyone to think that overcoming pain is not attainable for them. Be patient with yourself. Know there are going to be bad days or even weeks but in time it does get easier. Don't lose hope!