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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Other People's Opinions

I do not care anymore what people say or think of me. I love who I am and what I have accomplished in myself and in my life. I will not modify my life or my behaviors because of others opinions of me. I do not care if anyone harbors negative feelings towards me. That is their problem, not mine. If people took the time to really get to know me they would see I am not some crazed, unstable, mental person they think I am. Having a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder is not something in which I am ashamed of. I am very intelligent, courageous and strong and my disorder is only a fraction of who I am. I am NOT my diagnosis. I may be different than whatever society deems "normal" but I am still human. I am not some freak of nature. DID is a creative coping mechanism I was fortunate to tap into as a very abused child. It saved my life and it gave me a voice, which  will never, ever be silent again! If you don't like me, that is fine. I choose to only surround myself with positive, honest and healthy people. I don't want any unhealthy people in my life. I don't believe in fake compassion or slanderous behavior. I have fought to hard not to fall back into the pit of negativity. I believe in the quote from Bambi....."If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."
~Rant Over~


Sunday, June 15, 2014

Father's Day is bittersweet

This is a somewhat hard day for me. My biological sperm donor is a pathetic loser and doesn't deserve the title of father. My step-dad, whom I loved dearly, passed away in 2010 and left a void in my heart. I have been told that God is my Father but I have a difficult time calling anyone Father. I used to desperately want a perfect Dad in my life. The first Dad I had was an abusive, disgusting pedophile. He hurt me so much and has no remorse about it whatsoever. My 2nd Dad and I weren't close at all until I was about 15 or 16 years old. Then I realized he was a good man and actually loved me, even though I wasn't his natural born daughter. I spent he last 6 weeks of his life with him taking care of him as he was dying from pancreatic cancer. I cherish those last 6 weeks so much. I took a lot for granted in the past. I thought I had a Father's love forever without ever thinking it might come to an abrupt end. I used to dwell on the fact that my first Dad didn't love me and I craved a healthy relationship with him so much. Then my step-Dad came along and I finally got it. I enjoyed a 20+ year relationship with him and then he was gone. Such sadness came into my life when that happened. I had just lost my Mom 2 years prior to his passing. Before that within a 4 year period I lost my Grandmother, my favorite Aunt and my Poppy. So much lost in such a short period of time. I didn't expect to be in my early 40's and lose every person who was important to me. I thank God I have my husband to support and love me. I appreciate him so much and I think he is a wonderful Dad to our children. I hope they can understand how important he is and how short life is and appreciate what they have with him. I would do anything to have my Step-Dad back. I wish I had spent more time and made my more phone calls with him. We only get one shot at this life and it goes by way too fast to distance ourselves from people.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Whirlwind!

May flew by like crazy! Spent a week on vacation to the Bahama's and Florida. It was amazing!! We went on a Disney cruise and it was so wonderful. They catered to my gluten free diet and had a separate kitchen to prepare the food so I wouldn't get cross contaminated! I wish this was how it was in the real world. I never worried about what I was eating and never got sick from the food! The Bahama's was beautiful. Nassau was a let down, though. It was so touristy and kind of dirty. We went back to the ship after only an hour. It was too much pressure from the locals to buy, buy and buy! The best part was going to Disney's private island, Castaway Cay. We went bicycling around the island, snorkeling and laying out in the sun sipping yummy cocktails! After the cruise, we drove down to Ft. Lauderdale for Bob's Niece's wedding.  It was very nice. The only disappointment was the hotel we all stayed at. So expensive for terrible quality. The hotel was built in the 1930's so it was old. The rooms were not very nice and the bathroom shower sucked! We spend over $300 just on dinner and drinks for one night! Crazy...Anyway, the wedding and reception were nice and we got to see family for a few days. The only downfall of the whole trip was I developed bronchitis. I was coughing before we even left for vacation and it kept getting worse and worse. I went to the doctor when I got home, twice, and I still feel lousy. I'm on steroids, antibiotics, inhaler and cough syrups. I hope it goes away soon!

Highlights I need to mention that are to do with my insiders:

Holly got to see all of the Princesses on the Disney Cruise and she could not stop crying, which in turn caused our hubby to cry lol! She couldn't believe Cinderella was a real person. The only sad part was we didn't get our picture with Cinderella because it wouldn't be Holly in the picture..it would be me. That would be a major disappointment for her. We explained it to her and she was okay with it.

So proud of Ivy and Moshie! They were in a Peter Pan homemade movie and are terrified of pirates and all things Peter Pan. They confronted their fears and watched the character, from a distance, and they did get very stressed and started to cry real hard and asked Bob to take them back to our room. They cried for a long time and were sad and embarrassed. We are very proud that they did it and not only that, they went to the pirate party and fireworks later that night and had a great time dancing around!

I will try to be better at updating our blog. I get busy with life stuff and often feel too tired to write.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Guilt trips suck

Why do I let people lay guilt trips on me? I allow it all the time and then after the fact I sit and stew about it for hours and even days. I hate confrontation so much that when someone does this to me I say nothing and just sit there shaking my head and agreeing with them. UGH! It's so darn frustrating.I don't like that I allow someone to make me feel guilty for something that is clearly their issue and they complain about everyone treating them a certain way when maybe they should take a look at themselves and see that we aren't the bad people but they are the reason people want to avoid them. I was told by a Psychiatrist once that when "other people have the flu don't suffer with their diarrhea." I know it sounds very simple but it's hard to apply it to myself. I revert back to my child self when people start doing guilt trips and I feel ashamed and don't know what to do. I try to defend myself but they start piling it on even harder and I end up feeling worse. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Recognizing that I'm being triggered

My therapist and I figured out what is causing my anger. The lady staying with us is so much like our mother in so many ways. She is triggering us pretty bad and we didn't even realize it. My therapist feels that my friend is a "professional victim" and that I've been trying to help her change and it isn't going to happen. She is 55 years old and filled with "ya, buts." Every time I try to suggest things to help her she has an excuse or a "ya but" response. My therapist says I should lay down some conditions of her staying with us. One of them being she should start therapy. When I suggested that to her before she was like, "Ya but no one takes Medicaid." She really prefers to stay in victim mode and doesn't really want to get better. I find myself getting angry for her complaining about her aches and pains or her ignorance of the world. She has cut herself off from life and the world and doesn't know anything about what is going on around her. It's very sad but it makes me angry to see someone act so helpless and clueless about life. Look, I had a very traumatic life too. I get it but I want to live and be healthy. I refuse to stay beaten down and I think she is resentful of my life. I worked very hard to be where I am today. It doesn't magically happen for anyone. You have to be willing to work on yourself. My Mother was a pity partyer and was passive-aggressive and dependent on everyone around her. My friend reminds me of that and I hate it. I know I can't fix her but she needs to at least try if she is going to live in my house. She won't drive more than 10 miles because it huts her to drive a clutch....then why in the world would she purchase a car with a clutch. She goes nowhere...ever. I have to persuade her to come with me when I go out. She complains she looks frumpy but does nothing to try to change it. She thinks it's terrible I go to stores to buy my clothes and not use thrift stores instead. I did that for most of my life and now I don't have to and it's liberating for me. She can still buy nice clothes at Goodwill and wear inexpensive make-up. It's her choice.
My husband is on his way home and he and I are going to go into the country and I am going to throw hard boiled eggs at a tree. All my insiders will get an egg to throw and everyone is very nervous. We were never allowed to show our emotions growing up and anger is super scary for us. We don't want to feel embarrassed or out of control. My husband is a safe person but I still feel timid about letting myself explode and cry and stuff. I have never dealt with anger well but I need to start learning. Unlike my friend, I am choosing to move forward and deal with things and live life.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Long time no blog

It's been awhile since I've wrote. Life has been very hectic lately. My blood results came back and I do not have rheumatoid arthritis but fibromyalgia. They have done many tests and this is what they came up with but I don't know how to feel. On a happier note, my blood tests all came back really good for the endocrinologist. I'm still anemic but my cholesterol and my a1c improved! I mean by a lot!! My thyroid is doing excellent and the Doctor knows it's the Paleo diet that is working :) I have lost 22 pounds and feel so much better and being off all the psych meds makes a world of difference!

In therapy we are all working on letting go of anger. I feel like I'm going to explode on people lately and I don't like the way it feels. My therapist wants me to throw eggs at a fence or something that will make an impact but I'm too scared of the idea of getting angry. I was never allowed to have that emotion and I don't want to lose control! I need to find an outlet of some sort, though, because carrying around this contained anger is not good for me or anyone else around me.

I have a friend staying with me who was in a horrible living environment and has been here for a month now. It's going okay but sometimes I find myself getting short with her. She also has fibromyalgia but prefers to huddle under a blanket in the dark all day whereas I will not let it control my life. She also does enemas every single day and her whole life revolves around her colon. It frustrates me! I don't understand that way of living. She gets upset if I spend money which she is unable to do because she is on disability and always has lived in poverty. It makes me upset when she makes comments about me spending money. I don't have to worry about finances. I lived that life a long time ago and now I have money to do what I want and I don't appreciate being reprimanded for how I live my life. She also knows nothing about technology and I find myself getting impatient with her because I'm used to people understanding computers and DVR's and phones and etc. Okay I'm done venting.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Blood results denied

Had blood work drawn a week ago and the Doctor says I have to come in for the results. She will not tell me what's wrong over the phone. I have never had this happen before. They always tell me over the phone. I am. obviously, freaking out now. My daughter is going to go with me to my appointment next week (the soonest they could get me in!) and be my support person. If you are reading this and are a praying person could you send some prayers my way? Just feeling nervous. Thanks!